peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
