I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize