On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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