why didn't you poke me back
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
