i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
