Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
