My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
