we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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