u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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