I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
