Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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