Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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