i think my tv is drunk
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
