I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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