so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
