After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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