I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
