I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
