I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
