So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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