I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
