I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
