Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
