i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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