dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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