he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
