broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
