my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
