I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize