I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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