I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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