My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
