i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
