I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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