So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
