Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
