That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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