I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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