She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
