Ambien. No doubt about it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
