I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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