you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
