he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
