For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize