remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
