I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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