Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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