Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
