I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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