im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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