I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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