I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
