It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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