he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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