Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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