She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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