Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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