mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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