The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
