Your mouth is God's brothel.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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