YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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