He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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