I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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