What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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