I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
