so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
its liver damage thursday
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
