I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
