I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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